Lifestyle•Aug 15, 2024

How to Help A Friend Through A Miscarriage

By The Sculpt Society

Going through a miscarriage is one of the hardest things someone can face, but it’s more common than many realize. While it's estimated that up to 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, it’s often a topic that isn’t openly discussed. This silence can make it challenging to know how to support a friend or loved one experiencing such a devastating loss. It’s okay to feel unsure about what to say—it’s a sensitive topic, and finding the right words can be really tough, especially if you haven’t been through it yourself. While there’s nothing we can say or do that is going to change their situation, we can offer guidance on how to be compassionate during this difficult time.

What to Say: Words of Comfort For Miscarriage

Your support can bring comfort and healing during such an emotional time. While there are no magic words to make everything better, being present and offering sincere empathy can make a significant difference.

Expressing Sympathy and Empathy

Sometimes, the simplest words mean the most. A heartfelt “I’m so sorry for your loss” acknowledges their pain without overwhelming them. You could also say, "I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but I’m here for you," which shows that you recognize the depth of their grief while offering your support. It’s important to avoid projecting your own feelings or trying to steer the conversation in a direction you think might help. Instead, focus on validating their emotions and letting them lead the conversation. This way, you’re there for them when they need you without overshadowing their experience.

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Offering Condolences

Condolences can be tricky, but sincerity will almost always resonate (and if it doesn’t, be open to giving some grace during an impossibly difficult situation). Phrases like "My heart goes out to you" or "Your baby will always be remembered" can offer a measure of comfort. It’s about showing that you’re there with them, honoring their loss with your words.

Sharing Personal Stories (If Appropriate)

If you’ve been through a similar experience with pregnancy loss, sharing your story might provide a sense of comfort and connection. You could say, “I went through something similar, and talking about it helped me heal.” However, it’s crucial to gauge your friend’s readiness to hear about others’ experiences, as this might not be comforting for everyone. If they aren’t ready to talk, let them know that you’re there for them whenever they feel ready. There’s no rush—everyone processes grief at their own pace, and it’s important to respect their timing.

Respecting Their Privacy and Trust

When a friend opens up to you about their miscarriage, they’re placing a lot of trust in you. It’s a deeply personal experience, and one of the best ways you can support them is by keeping what they share just between the two of you. Unless they’ve specifically asked you to or given permission, avoid talking about their situation with others. Keeping their story private helps them feel safe and respected, and shows that you are someone in their life that they can put their trust in. It’s about being the kind of friend they can rely on, especially during such a vulnerable time.

What Not to Say

Even with the best intentions, certain phrases can unintentionally trigger. Here are a few things we recommend avoiding.

Avoiding Common Pitfalls

Steer clear of comments that might minimize their loss, like "At least you know you can get pregnant" or "Everything happens for a reason." These can come across as dismissive of the deep emotional pain they’re experiencing. Grief is unique and deeply personal; statements that might seem comforting could unintentionally undermine their feelings. Instead, focus on being present and offering a listening ear or shoulder to cry on, allowing them to express their emotions without judgment.

Steering Clear of Minimizing Phrases

Avoid saying things like, "You can always try again," or "It wasn’t meant to be." While these statements may be intended to offer hope, they can unintentionally invalidate their grief. Recognize that even well-meaning comments can feel like a dismissal of their profound and significant loss. Instead, consider offering open-ended support such as, "I’m here for you, no matter what you need," allowing them the space to share when they’re ready.

Respecting Their Grieving Process

Grieving a miscarriage is a profoundly personal journey, and it’s vital to respect your friend’s unique process. Avoid unsolicited advice, pressuring them to "move on" or "stay positive." Grief takes time, and your friend deserves the space to feel and express their emotions without feeling rushed or judged. The healing journey is different for everyone—what might seem like progress to one person can feel overwhelming to another. The best support you can offer is patience and unconditional acceptance as they navigate their grief.

Practical Ways to Help

Offering practical support can be just as important as emotional support. Here's how you can lend a helping hand during this challenging time.

Assisting with Daily Tasks

Helping with everyday tasks can alleviate a small part of the burden they may be feeling. Whether it’s cooking a meal, caring for other children, or running errands, small gestures can make a big difference. Offering practical help demonstrates your thoughtfulness and willingness to help ease their burden.

Encouraging Self-Care and Healing

Encouraging self-care is crucial, especially after a miscarriage or pregnancy loss. These experiences can profoundly affect mental health and make it challenging to focus on taking care of yourself. The pain and sadness don’t disappear overnight, and it can be challenging to prioritize your own needs amidst the emotional turmoil. Suggesting activities that promote healing and relaxation—like gentle movement, meditation, or simply taking time to rest—can be incredibly supportive. Remember, as women, we often neglect our own well-being, but taking care of ourselves is not selfish; it’s essential. Reassure your friend that it's okay to focus on self-care and that healing takes time. Sometimes, they might feel guilty for not being able to move through their grief quickly or for prioritizing themselves, so your encouragement can make a big difference.

Helping Them Find A Support Group

Encouraging your friend to find a support group can be a powerful step in their healing process, offering them a compassionate space to connect with others who understand the deep sorrow of miscarriage. Support groups, whether formal or informal, provide a community where grieving parents can share their experiences, find solace, and receive unconditional love. It’s important to remind your friend that a support group can also be made up of close friends, family, or loved ones who offer comfort during this difficult time. This connection can help them feel less isolated in their grief and supported as they navigate the complex emotions surrounding their loss and any future pregnancies.

Supporting a friend through a miscarriage is a deeply compassionate act that can provide much-needed comfort and solace during an incredibly difficult time. While no words or actions can fully erase someone’s pain, your presence, and thoughtful support can make a difference. By acknowledging their grief, offering a listening ear, and providing practical help, you show that you genuinely care and are there for them in their time of need. Remember, every person's journey through grief is unique, and patience and sensitivity are essential. By respecting their feelings and offering your support, you help create a space where healing can begin.

Sources:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9937061/

https://mcpress.mayoclinic.org/pregnancy/why-do-miscarriages-happen/

https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/loss-grief-in-pregnancy-postpartum/

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